Alternative Gear Usage Proven to Increase Radness

Our mandate as gearheads is to extract maximum utility out of our beloved equipment. Using gear daily not only increases our proficiency with said gear, but also directly boosts Perceived Radness Levels (PRLs).

In fact, studies show that Exponential Radness Growth (ERG) correlates both to Extreme Acronym Usage (EAU) and Gratuitous Integration of Gear into Daily Life (GIOGIDL).  

Convoluted science aside, it’s time to invent alternate applications for your outdoor gear. Religiously following instructional manuals crafted by paranoid lawyers compromises this mission.

Go ahead and incorporate gear into your daily life. Use As Many Acronyms As Possible (UAMAAP). A spike in radness will follow.

Here are 7 ways to get started:

Sleeping Pad – Public Pool Flotation Device (PPFD)

Use your inflatable sleeping pad (foam pads won’t cut it) to demonstrate your river survival skills. Navigate it like a raft through your local public pool. Depending on the density of children (DOC) splashing in the shallow end, hazards can be equivalent to Class III+ whitewater.

Ice Axe – Beer Can Puncturing Device (BCPD)

Ice axes are sharp, swingable and dangerous enough to make them ideal Beer Can Puncturing Devices (BCPDs).  Drive the pick into your beer can to release your triple IPA at maximum flow. Should your elected lager come in glass, employ the adze for leverage to pry open the cap.

Climbing Carabineer: All-Weather Clothespins (AWC)

Traditional wooden clothespins are marginal at best. Strong gusts overthrow their splintery jaws to whip liberated laundry halfway across town (or leave duds covered in muck under a sad, empty clothesline). Safeguard your drying shirts and briefs with the same bomber protection you take to 5.11s.

**We recommend a locking biner for expensive items/clothes with sentimental value.

Avalanche Probe – Collapsible Limbo Baton (CLB)

Let’s face it: you only organize a game of limbo a couple times a year. It doesn’t make sense to buy a designated limbo stick when you’ve got a perfectly functional CLB in your avalanche safety kit.   Use on hot beach sand to increase the PTR ratio (Pain to Reward).

Canoe Oar: Wood-fired Pizza Shovel (WPS)

Extensive analysis of Big Data reveals a high correlation between paddlers and frequent wood-fired pizza diners. Save dough and stay crusty by using your flat-bladed paddle to pull pies from the broiling depths of goodness.

Fly Fishing Tippet: Variable Density Floss (VDF)

Gap teeth? Ample fly-fishing gear? Open wide as a Largemouth and select a tippet to floss all those hard to reach molars.  Always maintain a catch-and-release policy.

Camping Stove: Winter Ready Golf Tee (WRGT)

Compact camp stoves with triangular heating elements allow duffers to defrost ice-caked golf balls before teeing off, resulting in more predictable, accurate flight. These BTU-blessed tees excel on glacial courses.

** If your local course closes during the off-season, lakes frequented by ice fishermen make for solid winter courses. Wait until they’ve set aside their ice augers before putting into fresh holes.